Competition: Why we feel competitive & 5 quick questions to illuminate deeper truth

December 4, 2019

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I couldn’t put my finger on exactly why this Instagram post was triggering me so much, but just looking at it made me feel uncomfortable….

There was something there I didn’t like.
Something there that didn’t sit well with me.

And it was confusing.

I wished this woman (who I was voluntarily engaging with on Instagram) the absolute best.

Yet part of me felt – well a little jealous if I’m honest.

This wasn’t the first time a sense of competition had welled up inside me.
And I’m confident it won’t be the last.

Feeling a sense of competition in any area of life – work, relationships, heck even how we mother – is a normal experience.

We’ve all felt it. And it feels uncomfortable.

Sometimes there’s a sense of confusion – why are we feeling competitive??
Sometimes there’s a sense of envy or jealousy.
Sometimes there’s anger or frustration.
Sometimes there’s self-criticism & deflation. Because it’s just never going to happen for you.

Competition is not a bad thing.

Envy is not a “low vibration” energy.

And there’s nothing wrong with experiencing jealousy.


These emotions & sensations, like all emotions & sensations, are simply signposts pointing us to something deeper.

An embodied woman is willing to bring her awareness to feel & inquire into those uncomfortable experiences more fully – so that we can illuminate what’s at their heart.

That’s exactly what I did with my Instagram-triggered-sense-of-competition. I inquired.

When we see someone shining their bright light it casts all kinds of shadows.

At times, we will be the brilliant one, casting shadows that make others uncomfortable.

Other times, we’ll be the ones in the shadows, with another’s light amplifying the darkness we feel.

9.99999 times out of 10 competition, envy and jealous has one root cause:
Unactualized potential.

When you are not in the fullest expression of intimacy in your relationship
…. Another woman’s relationship will make you jealous.

When you are not in the fullest potential of your passions & work.
… Another woman’s work will make you compare yourself to her.

When you are not in the fullest love of your beautiful body & self.
… Another woman’s self-love and body will make you envious.

The uncomfortable comparison you feel often a sign that there is something inside you, a potential, that hasn’t yet been made real.

That potential, that desire, is living in the shadows.

Naturally, someone else who IS actualizing & claiming that desire is going to trigger the shit out of you.


The beautiful thing with feeling a sense of comparison is that now you have a clear signpost illuminating the way to what WANTS to be claimed & actualized.

From this point, all you need to do is get curious.

Here are my favorite questions for working with comparison…

Q: In which situations/with which people do I feel a sense of comparison, envy or jealousy?

Q: What is it about this post/person/situation that makes me uncomfortable?

Q: If I’m honest, is this something that deep down I also want?

Q: Am I actualizing this desire for myself?

Q: What’s standing in my way of making this desire real for me?

A peek into my self-inquiry steps….

As I moved through my own self-inquiry post-Instagram-trigger I realized this post was showing a woman who was stepping up into bigger and brighter things. She was literally shining bright (in this case it was about her work, but I’ve also experienced this recently with another person who was shining bright in intimacy and relationship).

So when I got honest, is this something that deep down I also want? Yes. Yes, I want to be bright!!!

Am I actualizing this desire for myself? Well. Yes, and no. I am bright, but I’m also in a season of life where my brilliance isn’t my highest devotion. I am actively putting energy into other directions in my life right now & if I’m honest, I don’t want to do what she’s doing because that’s not my #1 priority.

So what’s standing in my way of making this desire real for me right now. Bigger and different priorities.


As I worked through these questions – I revealed that I was in a different season, a changing season.

Yes, there were desires for me to ‘be like her’, but the deepest truth was that I have other priorities.

Seeing this dynamic more clearly instantly dropped the stress & the charge for me.

I came to see this had nothing to do with the other woman (it rarely does).
I also came to see that nothing needed to change.

But by diving into the heart of my own competition, I could more fully feel it & understand where it was coming from. And thus be free of it.

So where are you feeling comparison right now?

And what do you illuminate when you work through the self-inquiry questions? I’m curious to know.

The coach in me is always hungry for a great question that opens a new door of inquiry for her clients. We never know what’s going to be behind a door – and that’s the job of a coach. To not know, but to invite clients to deeper knowing within themselves.

If you’re feeling the competition, and it’s alive in your body, then you also have the answers (and the potential) to change that dynamic.

You just have to get curious.

Let me know what bubbles up in the comments

1 Comment on “Competition: Why we feel competitive & 5 quick questions to illuminate deeper truth”

  1. Loved this embodied approach for those feelings that we try to push away for not being good enough for the kind of woman we want to be. Thank you for sharing your wisdom!

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