Who’s life are you living?

October 29, 2015

1 Comment

I recently found myself in the support role of hot-girlfriend. Except I wasn’t meeting one of the key conditions – “hot”.

He wanted me to have perfect skin. I didn’t.

I wanted to be seen as a sensual woman. He couldn’t.

I couldn’t be what he wanted, and what I needed all at once.


Women, as a collective, knows what it’s like to not be seen.

We very often slip into the support role.

We very easily become chameleons of our own lives. Being who and what is needed in any give moment to keep the peace.


For years I had happily played the role of hot-girlfriend. Younger and blonde. And my relationship has blossomed. Thrived even.

At that time things were perfect. I was happy. At that time I was living my truth.

But then life happened.

New experiences challenged me to grow.

We women are smart enough to be successful in whatever role we choose….

The role of achiever, the role of having it all together, the role of corporate woman, the role of mother, of hot girlfriend, the role of the dependable friend.

We’ve got the formulas worked out.

We’ve got all the expectations covered.

Until one day. Living that way begins to hurt.


I was telling myself I was living in a perfect relationship. But in reality things were very different. And yet I persisted again and again, feeling more and more unsure about decisions in my greater life, while clinging onto the safety of a ‘perfect relationship’ that, in truth, I was not in.

Because the longer we live those formula’s and roles, which don’t let us experience and express our whole self, the more we begin to lose ourselves.

Until one day – we’ve lost ourselves to such a point, that we can’t find us anymore.

We can’t find what we want. We can’t find clarity. We can’t find confidence in our gifts, our offerings to the world. The equation for happiness no longer makes sense.


We realise it hurts to go on living that way. 

And worse still – we are aware now.

We are aware that the roles we were playing are not the true ‘us’. And it’s not the man’s fault, it’s not your job’s fault, it’s not the fault of your family or your friends. It’s no one’s fault.

Not even your own.

You didn’t know. You didn’t consciously realise at the time you were losing yourself. 

You’ve been showing up like this – in everyone else’s role – for so long. Holding onto a way of living that once worked, like out dated software.

Then one day you find – you’ve forgotten how to show up as you.

Because you are not use to letting the world see the true you.

You’ve grown so use to letting the world see a version of you. A composed, polite, planned, perhaps controlled version of you. But that’s not your wholeness.


The turning point for me came when I owned up to my desires. When I re-calibrated to how I desired to feel. When I came back to myself and what I truly want.

I desire to live an expansive life. Where I am free to be imperfect. Where I am with worshiped for the goddess I am – warts and all.

And I knew what it felt like to live that way.

Part of my growth, out of the role of hot-girlfriend and into the women I am, had experienced that desire.

So when she returned to her man, to her role, she lived in the pain of hiding herself.


Each of us is here because part of us knows we’ve experienced wholeness within ourselves. At some point we’ve had a whisper of it.

We’ve tasted it’s flavour. Perhaps just a drop, just a flashing moment in time.

But it was enough.

It was enough for some part of you to begin to question big things, small things, many things in your life.


That flash of wholeness that you felt pierced your hurting heart, because that moment showed you there could be more.

There is more.

The more is calling you.

The more is asking you – please start showing up in your life.

Start showing up in your life as the magnetic, and powerful woman you are.

Please start letting the actions and choices you make reflect the value you place on yourself.

Please start letting the way you spend your time be a reflection of your deeper adoration for yourself.


free-trainig-3And this, my love, is the formula of an unscripted life. A life where you have permission to make your own rules.

A life where you own the role of the leading lady.

A life where you don’t have to be small, or hide.

A life where you don’t have to limit yourself to the expectations of others.


Needless to say I’ve left the man. A man who I still love deeply. A man who is an amazing guy, who has been a teacher, a mentor & a friend.

But a man who is not the man for this leading lady, at this time.

Because in truth. It’s up to me. If I want deep reverence & love. I have to know within myself that I am worthy of it first. I have to give it to me first.

Because you can only receive what you already know is true within.


So now… I would love to know from you.

Where are you not showing up in your brilliance? Were are you playing the role of supporter, hiding or playing small?

1 Comment on “Who’s life are you living?”

  1. I have just taken myself out of a relationship that was similar. I realised more and more I was not being myself, and I was subtly being asked to be untrue to my beliefs and values. Stepping away has been hard because I still wanted to believe the relationship could provide what I felt I need. But have been reminded I need to show up for myself.
    Thank you so much for posting this and sharing these truths. <3 much love, Alexandra

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