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The first time I ‘figured out’ embodiment, it was a messy ride.
I was in a relationship that was surface deep. The first time he tried to break up with me for putting on weight, I convinced him to take me back. The first time I asked him to see more of my sensual self, he laughed and told me to not try too hard. That relationship had to go.
I was in a job that was making me into a robot. Stepping into the management of a team of pharmacists was something I was good at, but all the passion, compassion, and genuine care that should be present in ‘health care’ was missing. I was all masculine go, ignoring my body’s needs and my dormant creativity.
I was on land & living in a town that I didn’t feel resonant with. My body longed to be near wider oceans, and wilder spaces.
I was feeling numb, exhausted, tired, and knew something BIG needed to change.
At that time, there was no kid(s), no mortgage, no dependents, and no one to answer to but myself. The freedom of my maiden-like life was actually so easy to BLOW UP. So I did.
I blew up my life.
I left the guy.
I quit the job (slowly, over a number of months).
I left the country & found land that felt like home underfoot (in a foreign country).
I shifted friendship circles.
I found new mentors.
I cut my hair.
I started dressing differently.
I uprooted everything. Burnt it all down. And in the process found me. My desires. My creativity.
Many years, 1 kid, a husband, a mortgage & quite a few grey hairs later – I feel the same yearning for change.
Emerging from the early years of motherhood & stewarding a business that’s grown phenomenally (in team, heart, and profit) has left me playing the role of manager and supervisor…
Instead of the embodied woman, overflowing with creativity and ravished by life.
I know that change is here. I’ve been on the precipice, dipping my toe in & slowly wading into the depths of this void for months and months.
A season of winter that had me turn inwards. An increasing sense of wanting to rip my heart open. A big pile of numb-filled confusion and resistance over the top. And the allure of just ‘getting back to the housework’ which hasn’t been making me a happy wife.
Change is here. But this time I don’t have the freedom (nor desire) to blow up my life to create it.
One path to change is blowing everything up. Disrupting our outer world, so we can find our way home on the inside. It’s a valid path. It’s necessary and beautiful.
Leaving the lover. The life. The job. These are all valid ways to dissolve old identities and form new ways.
But in my maturity, I see they are not the ONLY way. Nor always the best way.
I don’t want (or need) to blow up my marriage, child, home, business, or life… because I want it all. I love my life.
But I want it in a different way. I want to experience it differently.
I want to change on the inside. Without having to overtly disrupt my entire world.
I’m worried it’s not possible. At dinner a few weeks ago I spoke with a girlfriend about this exact topic. She’s recently blown up her life (a very wise choice given her circumstances). I also discussed this with my coach, who’s recently blown up her business (again, a wise choice in her circumstances).
They’ve told me “I don’t know another way”. They’ve said, “it might be impossible”.
But I hope it’s not. Time will tell.
As I figure out a way to DEEPLY recalibrate who I am and who I’m being. To rupture within, without rupturing without.
I know there is a way. It’s a path of maturity that I so deeply crave.
(not that blowing things up is immature, because it’s not, it’s often brave as fuck).
I’ve been exploring it for the past 6 months, and I feel I’ll continue to be exploring it for the rest of this year.
In much of our culture, we have this sense that life goes on. Seasons change, and big (outer) milestones like having a kid or turning 40 happen.
But the inner seasons – we don’t talk about them so much.
We don’t have a lot of spaces that hold reverence for the inner blowing up and becoming. To facilitate the transformation of emerging into the evolved version of you in not-blowing-it-up-kind-of-ways.
We don’t talk about who have you been? Who are you becoming?
I wish we did.
So if you’re in a season of change, and exploring how you might evolve without blowing up your life… I have a special podcast for you today.
In this season of transformation, there are three key tips, some are reflections & some are practices, that I’ve been using. They’ve been bringing more embodied ease to the process. They might be supportive for you too.
Resources Mentioned in This Podcast
- Primal Feminine Flow – An at-home, feminine embodiment movement practice to resensitize the body
- Feminine Embodiment Coaching – an emotional embodiment & vulnerability-based professional training for coaches
- School of Embodied Arts
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